A few of my new favorite things...

As a mother of young multiples, it's very easy to forget the things that make you, YOU and focus exclusively on baby land. But every once in a while it's good to indulge just a little. Here are a couple things that made my life a little easier:

 

 The Ipod Touch. No not an iPhone, but it has plenty of the features without the monthly charge. This was a lifesaver during the first couple months of motherhood. There are several great apps for parents, including Baby Geek. The most useful though, Just Light. It's simply a white screen that provides a soft light. I still use it during my before bed breathing checks. I can see them, but the light isn't bright enough to interrupt their sleep. And it's FREE! This gadget also provided middle of the night entertainment while I was up alone pumping milk for the next day. I played games, watched YouTube and read books.

 

Kashi Dark Mocha Almond bars, aka "Crack bars"  Chocolate, almonds, fiber with a subtle rich coffee taste...enough said. NO one takes my Crack Bars.

 

Kindle, aka Otis. I never thought I could read on a gadget, but I downloaded the Kindle app on my iPod and read "The Book Thief" for book club only weeks after having my babies. This was my birthday gift from Andy and I love it. I read a lot of historical fiction so if I want to read more about the subject of the book, I can scroll down to the name or place and instantly access the Wikipedia entry. Yes, I can do this by going to my computer too, but I often read in bed at night. I would make mental notes to look something up, but always forgot. It's not for everyone, but it works for me!

 

 

This is a new discovery! I had a gift card to Bath and Body Works and was desperately in need of a good lotion for my winter dry skin. I'm kinda cheap and my other lotions were not doing anything. This costs $15, which is expensive for me, but I had a gift card. Wow! My skin feels as good as the babies!

 

A pop-up camera flash is one of my biggest pet peeves. I prefer not to use it at all, but the lighting in the house in the winter isn't the best, especially for those impromptu snapshots. Then I found the Opteka Universal Soft Screen Flash Diffuser. Wow! No more deer caught in the headlights photos. It fits over the pop up flash of your DSLR in seconds and the harsh flash is instantly softened. And it's less than $10. 

Of course, I can't finish without a picture of my two most favorite things:

 

 Maya and Maxwell--8 months

before I had the flash diffuser

 

Next time...my favorite baby related items that make life easier for mom and babies.

Busy, busy, busy...

Ok I'm still lacking on the blogging thing.... Sue me.

Another house hits the market! Yes, we're finally moving! After almost 10 years and all the new toys from last Christmas, we're running out of room and need to expand. So our house will be officially on the market by the end of the week and we can start looking for a new home. I'm very excited! Even though Andy and I were dating when he bought this house, I really didn't have much say. So to me this will kinda be my first house. And the decor and organization will be how I set it up.

Here are some of our requirements:

• at least 3 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms
• maintenance free siding
• two living areas
• a decent size kitchen with a dishwaster (goodbye dishpan hands!)
• at least a two car garage
• a good sized yard (preferably fenced in)

Here are some things we would like to have:

• a dining room
• first floor laundry
• fireplace (I've just always wanted one.)
• a finished basement

There's more...but I'm drawing a blank. We're really not expecting to have trouble finding something, but hopefully we can sell our house pretty quick.

Because I just don't have enough to do, raising almost nine month old twins and all, I decided that I needed to start making our own baby food. Ever since I was pregnant, I've read about how easy it was...even in my twins books. My friends did it too.

So I started with peas. Why? Good question. I HATE peas! We had a couple jars in the cupboard, but I've been putting them off. But Andy gave them peas one night and raved how much they loved them. And peas were the first recipe in my baby cookbook. And homemade pureed peas looked so much prettier than the Gerber variety.

I bought some frozen peas, a steam basket and used my new food processor.

 

  

My eager little testers...

It was pretty easy. However, Maya and Maxwell didn't feel the same about Mommy's peas as they did for Gerber's.

 

  

The short of it...both gagged then Maxwell vomited all over. 

My first cooking experience for my children and my son vomits! I shared my news with the Facebook world, and was quickly assured that not many kids like their mom's peas. In fact I reread the section in that twins book and the author admitted that her twins didn't like peas either. Stupid cookbook.

I admit that I haven't tried again, but I would like to try some applesauce because that's their favorite, but I'm a little scared. Maybe Gerber isn't so bad after all...

New and Improved in 2010...

I can't tell you how long I've written and rewritten this blog post in my head.

In 2009, I wrote only five times. After five years of infertility, I finally became a mother (x2!) but as I would sit down to write, my mind would go blank. Even now, I find myself struggling for words.

There's a couple of reasons for this. First, I have infant twins...I'm freaking exhausted and it's amazing I can manage to put a couple words together. Second, it's been a few years since I've really had to put a couple words together, which is sad because at one time writing was my job. My most recent corporate job didn't require stellar writing skills. And when you don't use it, you lose it.

After I became a mom, I wasn't sure what direction I wanted to take this blog. I started it as a way to express myself creatively and share my photography and scrapbooking. Along the way it became a sounding board with my struggle with depression and infertility and included many anecdotes about my fun loving dogs, who kept me sane for so long. The most natural transition, I think, would be to turn this blog over to the antics and milestones of my children. But I'm not going to do that.

Why? The other day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person looking back. A month or so ago, I found myself in a crowd of people and I didn't know how to act. I've been thinking about writing on this blog for months now, but I couldn't come up with words to write.

I think all women feel like they lose themselves a bit when they become mothers, but when you've been trying to become a mother for so many years, it's hard to look back and remember who you were.

But this is a new time...a new and exciting time. So Creative Musings will continue to be my creative musings on life and art and dogs, but will also reflect my new role and journey as a domestically-challenged stay at home mom of multiples. I can't promise great writing, grammar and spelling, but hopefully with a little practice I'll get there.

Welcome Maya and Maxwell!!!

They're here!!!

Actually today they are 4 weeks old already! My due date was June 7th, but early in May I had to go to the hospital with pre-eclampsia (or high blood pressure). I was put on strict bedrest.

On the 12th I went in to have my blood pressure checked again and sure enough it was very high. I was immediately admitted to the birth center and by 6 p.m. I had two adorable babies via c-section at 36 weeks and two days.

Both Maya and Maxwell were sent to the NICU because of respiratory problems and were there for two days. We were so happy when they were released to my room!

Life since then hasn't been the easiest...there's been a lot of poop, cries (for them) and very little sleep (for us), but there's nothing like the feeling when I pick one of them up when they are crying and they calm down in a couple seconds and cuddle into my chest. I can't wait to see their first real smiles (although I've caught little previews when they are deep asleep!)

Sorry this is so short, but there hasn't been much time for the computer, as you can imagine! I did design their birth announcements above though.

Grieving...

About 7 and a half years ago, Andy walked through the front door with a shaking mop of black fur and my life was never the same. I was never a dog person and was so nervous about being a dog owner. However, this little bundle of fur, known as Kelvin, grabbed my heart and became my best friend in every sense of the word.

Yesterday, Andy was with our beloved Kelvin as he closed his eyes and slipped out of this world.

The last couple days have been some of the hardest we've ever had to deal with...comparable with our miscarriage last June.

From the beginning, Kelvin was a nervous pup. He was nine months old when Andy brought him home because his cubemate's wife was expecting a baby and they couldn't keep the dog. Rather than seeing him go to the humane society, Andy offered to bring him home. It wasn't long before I fell in love.

Kelvin and I have had a special bond from the beginning. My favorite part of the day was coming home because he was so exciting to see me. His little butt would shake so hard that I thought his tail would fly off. He became my little Wiggle Butt.

Kelvin came into my life when I was extremely depressed. For nearly eight years, Kelvin has been there for some of the most troubling times of my life, including a five year devastating struggle with infertility.

However, Kelvin had struggles of his own. We don't know anything about Kelvin's early life and where he came from. It was apparent from the beginning that he had problems with dominance. We took him to puppy training classes and even met with a behaviorist. But Kelvin was extremely anxious. He barked at anyone walking by, hated when people came over and tried to dominate over Andy and I. Over the years, though, I became the alpha female in Kelvin's life, but that didn't stop him from lashing out at Andy and our lab Dakota. However, I constantly worked with him...trying to adjust his behavior.

Over the past couple years though, our training proved harder and harder, as Kelvin's outbursts became unprovoked. In a second he would turn into a different dog, not the sweet pup that curled up to me and licked my tears when I cried. He would go into a frenzy when anyone came to the door. If Dakota walked past him, he would strike out at her. Then he became extra protective of me, growling at Andy whenever he came near me, even biting him.

Then I finally became pregnant and we weren't expecting only one baby, but two. Many people say that dogs can tell when a woman is pregnant or at least know something is different. Both our dogs knew something was different. Each time we had a baby shower and brought more and more new stuff home, Kelvin became more and more anxious. He clung to me, never leaving my side and even wanting to come to work with me. Unfortunately, this made him even more hostile to Andy. Things came to a head on Easter Sunday when in "protecting" me, Kelvin snapped at Andy, then me for trying to correct him.

With the birth of our twins only a month away, Andy did some research on the Internet and read about Rage Syndrome, which is rare, but prevalent in spaniels. Reading the symptoms was like reading Kelvin's personality. Still, I wanted to speak with a professional. I made an appointment and after a long discussion of genetics vs. behavioral problems, we knew what had to be done...for us, our children and Kelvin himself.

God, I wish there could have been another way. I wish there was another option. For despite his problems, Kelvin, the TRUE Kelvin who struggled within his fears and anxieties, was the sweetest, funniest dog. If we could only rewire his brain! If only we could find a way to release him from the prison that was passed on to him from his parents.

The Kelvin I will treasure for the rest of my life is the puppy who looked up at me with those big brown eyes when he first entered our house and tried to hide under Uncle Steve's legs. I'll never forget his little Wiggle Butt dance when I got home. I'll never forget the time Andy brought him back home from the vet and he could barely walk, didn't want water or food, but when we brought out his ball, sprang into action, forgetting his charade. I'll always remember the time he dug into my knitting bag and found an apple I left in there and carried it around the house like a precious prize until I cut it up for him and Dakota to share.

Kelvin is the dog who turned an entire family into dog lovers. I grew up with an intense fear of dogs so we never had one growing up. But Kelvin was welcomed into my parents home for extended visits, even sleeping in their bed.

Kelvin, my buddy, wherever you are, you will always be my first baby. Daddy and I love you and will always love you and treasure you forever. I will never, ever forget you and everything you taught me. I'm so sorry, buddy. I love you.

Because I knew you...I have been changed for good.

Octomom is a loon!

Well...I tried to give her a chance, but this chick is a few fries short of a Happy Meal (well maybe the entire order of fries and a couple bites of hamburger, as well.)

I watched bits of her interview. First, the only people who support you are your parents and yet you tell the world you had a dysfunctional childhood? Because you were an only child??? Really??? Second, you have 14 children, but think that you can go back to school and get your masters degree? What kind of delusional, fantasy world do you live in???

There are 16 people in this story I feel so sorry for...her children and her parents. She may love her children, I don't doubt that, but if she TRULY loved them...she would not risk their lives like that. Apparently it's still unclear who is going to pay the $1.3 million hospital bill.

The more I hear about this story...the angrier I get.

This upsets me...

Everyone’s been asking me about the woman in California who delivered octuplets this week. Apparently I’m an expert on fertility treatments and multiples.

Usually I don’t pay attention to stories like these. But today I read that she’s also the mother of six other children. No one knows much about the mother (which I give her credit for), but from the article I read on msnbc, it sounds like she lives with her six children at her parents.

Now I hate to pass judgments on people I don’t know, without knowing their story, but I hate how the media romanticizes these extreme multiple births at the same time passing judgment on people who use fertility treatments to get pregnant in the first place.

A couple months ago, ABC News ran a story featuring the Jon and Kate Plus 8 family and the dangers of IVF. The story was the most ill informed story I had ever read. First of all, the couple they were using as an example didn’t even do IVF. They supposedly did a combination of fertility medications and IUI.

In a normal cycle, a woman releases one egg a month. If that egg is fertilized with a sperm, it may or may not implant into the awaiting uterine wall. With IVF, a woman’s ovaries are stimulated and harvested, then combined with the sperm and inserted a day or so later back in the uterus where it may or may not implant. Most doctors I have worked with, or know of, would never insert more than two or three (in the most extreme cases) to prevent the possibility of extreme multiples, a condition that is extremely dangerous to mother and babies.

You tend see more extreme multiple gestations from the combination of fertility meds and IUI. In these cases the ovaries are stimulated to release more than one egg. Sometimes the medications can produce 20 or more eggs (which was my case in many instances). At this point, most doctors will cancel the cycle to prevent extreme multiples or harvest the eggs for later IVF. But some do not.

When I initially heard about the octuplet story, I assumed it occurred from a combination of fertility meds and IUI, but the NBC story alludes that the mother had more than 8 embryos inserted into her uterus, which would actually be IVF. I’m hoping this is another instance of a poorly researched story, because I do not know of any doctor who would do such a thing….especially if the woman already has six children at home!

The story also mentions the fact that the mother rejected the idea of selective reduction, where they abort a number of the fetuses for the sake of the others. This is one of the cruelest realities of fertility problems…you finally are pregnant after so, so long, but have to make this awful decision. It was because of this that we were pretty conservative in our approach, but as someone who struggled for so many years without success, I can see the thought process of “the more you have, the more likely it will work.”

However, the story of the woman in California made me angry. I’m hoping there is more to the story than what has been printed so far, and I appreciate the mother’s decision not to go public. I guess I see fertility treatments as a way to help people, like us and many of our friends, to achieve the families they want. When I hear someone using such extreme measures to get pregnant, when she already has six children, I feel like she’s abusing and giving a bad name to a system that has helped so many.

I am very thankful for my twins. I cannot tell you how much I love them already. Both are pretty active, but shy away when Daddy wants to feel. I’ll be at 22 weeks this Sunday and have another ultrasound next week. My goal is to get everything out of the nursery (all the junk I’ve collected over the past 7 years) and basic furniture in by the time of my first shower the end of February. My birthday last week was fun, as I received mostly clothes for the babies.

Well that’s all for now. A bientot.

Drum Roll Please....

It's a



Girl!!!!!!


It's a




Boy!!!!!!


We're having the perfect combination!!!! I cannot tell you how excited we are!!! Both babies are incredibly active and healthy.

Considering all we've been though, I can't believe how lucky we are!

I am on cloud 9!!!

Happy Holidays!!!

I hope everyone is having a happy holiday season.

We are still thrilled in the Ives household, as we await the arrival of our twins in late spring.

Everything is going very well. Our last appointment was during 13 weeks (I’m at 17 now!). However my boy/girl theory has been blown out of the window because both were 6.8 cm and had heartbeats of 138 bpm. So who knows? We are going to find out this week though, as I have an appointment with the perinatalogist on Thursday. I hope they cooperate!

Last time it was such a relief to see them moving around and almost interacting with each other. At first both were lying in the same direction, with their heads toward my left. Twin A kept moving around, then when it was time to measure Twin B, he/she moved breech with his/her butt on the others head. Twin A didn’t appreciate it. They were both stretching and yawning. It was the most amazing sight I’ve ever seen.

I’m just starting to feel them move a round a bit, mostly at night, but sometimes while I’m in the car. In the last couple days my belly has really popped out, even though I’ve been “showing” for awhile. I was worried after my 13 week appointment because I hadn’t gained any weight in between my 8 week and 13 week appointments. However, the babies had grown and the doctors didn’t seem worried about it. I’ve been eating plenty also. I think the pounds are starting to come on now though.

It still seems so surreal though. I went through a really rough period after my first trimester, which I didn’t expect and was honestly a little ashamed about. I was really depressed, which is the reason for the long periods between updates. I’m starting to feel a bit better, but had a really hard time dealing with my feelings because we’d been trying for so long and shouldn’t I be happy? Unfortunately, I think the scars of infertility remain after pregnancy is achieved. It always seems too good to be true and even though this is what we wanted for so long, it’s still a big change. One thing I do know is that I am absolutely in love with both babies, which gives me strength to move on and do what’s best for them and myself…even if it means acknowledging feelings I’d rather not feel. At least I am familiar with depression and knew I wasn’t going (completely) crazy.

Well that’s all for now. I do have more to talk about, but it needs a segment of its own. And it’s a little emotional so I can’t really write it at work.

I finally do have ultrasound photos scanned too, but they are on my iPod and I don’t have wireless access here to get them. (Andy surprised me with an iPod touch for Christmas…I LOVE that thing!!!)

So expect more from me before the week’s out! I appreciate everyone’s comments and good wishes! Thank you so much for reading!

Update...

I don't know if I still have readers out there, as it's been so long since my last post...but hopefully some of you have stuck around or will stop by to hear the good news...

We're pregnant!!!!

With TWINS!!!

As of today, I'm 11 weeks pregnant, so nearly out of the first trimester! And it has been a whirlwind of a couple months!

I found out I was pregnant the last week of September, although I did cheat and take a home test before my blood tests. I actually took three home tests before my blood test and all were positive. So I was feeling pretty good when I went in for my test on 9/29. Sure enough my HCG level was 199! On Oct. 1, I had a little scare when I woke up with some spotting. I still went to my test, but spent the rest of the day at home after talking to my nurses in Michigan. My HCG came back 329, which was less than they wanted (it's supposed to double or rise by at least 80%.) I was so scared...it was too much like last time. On Friday, they had me go in for another test and our fears were put aside when my HCG came back at 638!

Of course, anyone who has been through infertility treatments knows that there are several little milestones you have to go through until you can feel comfortable with your pregnancy. Our next milestone was the six week ultrasound on 10/15. Andy and I went to the afternoon appointment hoping that our baby would be ok...so imagine our surprise when we saw and heard two heartbeats!!! However, there were actually three implantations. #3 did not have a heartbeat and appeared to be a couple days behind the others. We made another appointment on Halloween to find out.

I was scared about the Halloween appointment. It was very much out of our hands if there were two or three babies. I tried not to think about it, knowing we'd be blessed either way, even though it would be sad if #3 didn't make it. As soon as the ultrasound was applied, we saw our twins...healthy as ever. #3 had continued to grow a bit, but never had a heartbeat. We were sad, but it was amazing to see the other two thriving. Baby A measured 1.85 cm and had a heartbeat of 158 bpm. Baby B measured 1.72 cm and had a heartbeat of 172 bpm.

Now it's too early to find out the sex of the babies, but I think Baby A might be a boy and Baby B a girl. I had a dream shortly after our first ultrasound that we had boy and girl twins. Of course, some say that the heartbeats look like two girls. We'll find out in January!

My due date is June 7, however the doctor expects that these will be May babies, as twins typically come earlier. I am showing a little bit already, as my uterus is already the size of someone 6 to 8 weeks ahead. I love maternity pants! Most of my regular pants are just a little too tight around the belly. Thank goodness for the maternity section at Target!!!

And whoever called it "morning" sickness, has never experienced it! I've spent much of these first months very sick. It hasn't been easy, but I never expected it to be and I'd rather throw up everyday than not at all.

Well that's the biggest news in the Ives house! I wanted to put up ultrasound pictures, but my printer/scanner is buried in what is going to be the nursery. We've got a lot of work a head of us!

Three's a charm?

They all survived the thaw!

Last Wednesday, the doctor transferred all three embryos. They were unfrozen on Tuesday and all continued to divide over night. However, the doctor told us that the chance of triplets are very slim. The two bottom ones are the higher quality (about the same as the last two) and the top one is rated a "3+".

For the most part, I've spent the days since Wednesday flat on my back (which is aching now, by the way.) I could turn from side to side after four hours, but I didn't want to risk one straying toward a fallopian tube. This is about the time now that they should be implanting. I think I feel a couple twinges, but it's really hard to tell. I think I just want to feel something so bad.

So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next month and beyond!

I did leave bed rest on Saturday for about an hour to go see the Dragon Boat races on the river. I really wanted to get some photos for my class. I really need a telephoto lens. I picked three photos out of over 100, but I really was not pleased with any of the photos. But since I was laid up all week and it's Sunday night already...I don't have time to reshoot.


That's all for now. I hope to update more now that I dressed this place up a little bit.

When all else fails...

try, and try again.

It's now been three months since last IVF cycle. Three months to heal, three months to climb out of that dark hole and reach toward hope. Here we are three months later and this week I will be going back to the clinic to have perhaps three frozen embryos transferred back to my body.

I'm terrified.

But I had a small taste of pregnancy...a small bit of hope. And I'm ready. I'm so ready to hold my child in my arms, sing them to sleep and comfort them when they cry. Of course, I'm ready for diapers, runny noses and baby puke too.

So wish us luck. Pray that they make themselves comfortable high in my uterus, far away from the fallopian tubes. Pray that they stay there for nine months.

In other news...I'm very weak.

Yeah...I got it.

But I'm so glad I did! I started my photography class last week and there are so many more advantages to me learning with this camera. I am so happy with it. Our first assignment is to bring in three "texture or feel" photos. To me, that means some awesome close up photography.

Here's what I'm bringing:



Actually that last one was taken last weekend with my S2 IS. The other two were taken this afternoon during a break in the rain.

I think I really like macro photography so a macro lens is on my wish list, and I could use another zoom lens. Yeah...photography can be an expensive hobby.

Speaking of hobbies, I'm particularly pleased with my latest knitting project:



This is for my new little nephew, Cade, who was born on Labor Day (funny enough!) I adapted the pattern from Lois Daykin's Baby Knits book. The pattern, Teddy Suit, is featured on the cover. I knew when I first saw this, I had to make it.

I did make some adjustments to the pattern though. First the pattern calls for Rowen Calmer yarn, which costs about $10 a skein. I substituted Knit Picks Comfy, which was $3 per skein. The yarns are very similar in fiber content and weight, although the Comfy does feel a little bit heavier. Comfy also does not have the same sheen as Calmer, but the cotton/microfiber blend should wear and wash well.

Next I finished the entire suit, and knit the first bootie. The frustration set in. First I couldn't figure out how to make this piece which was knit flat to a bootie. When I finally figured it out, it was much too large for a newborn (maybe even a three year old.) Since I had a lot of brown yarn left, I knit another using much smaller needles...still too big.

Perhaps it was the different yarn. But I did knit a swatch and had the right gauge. Even if it would've fit, it was still an awkward pattern. I considered leaving the booties off completely, but the suit with the footies were what sold me in the first place.

I went to Knitty Gritty's site at DIY.net and found an "ugg" bootie pattern I made a couple years ago. So I adjusted that pattern to fit the suit pattern. This included adjusting the pattern so that the instep was knit in seed stitch. I wrote the pattern out. I'll post it here soon if anyone is interested.

In the end I was much happier with the footie and the gift was well-received by Andy's brother and sister-in-law. I can't wait to see a photo of the little guy in it.

Well this was a long post. I'm off to bed. We have a busy week a head of us (followed by four delicious days of much needed bed rest.)

Less than one week until...

That's right! Monday evening I'm going to be front row (that's freaking front row, people!!!) at the Idina Menzel concert. After the summer we've had...I am so looking forward to this! It really is the highlight of the summer for me. As corny as it sounds and is her music has helped me through a lot. (God that sounds lame.) It was Brave and Better to Have Loved that helped me realize my fears of continuing fertility treatments earlier this year. I think I'm going to need to hear those songs live to continue again after losing the baby last month.

We're on the schedule for our embryo transfer in September. I'm ready. I'm really ready to be a mom. My short pregnancy, even doomed from the start, just solidified that for me. I knew right when I lost the baby and even though I knew it had to happen and was going to happen...I still went into shock when it did. I don't remember ever feeling that empty. It was awful.

Then, of course, the next day this happened:




Yes, that is our basement....flooded. Yeah.

See why I'm so excited for a concert?

In other news, I've really excited to learn more about photography. It's been something that I've wanted to learn more about for a long time, but I've finally signed up for a class at the technical college this fall. So...if I'm going to learn more about photography....

I need a new camera!!!

Seriously, I've gotten a new camera for Christmas for the last two years. (Then another one three years before that.) But I need a DSLR camera. Really I do. I'm currently using a Canon PowerShot S2 IS and an A560. I'm leaning toward a Canon because I'm used to Canons and I think I have it narrowed down to the Rebel XSi or the XS (which is scaled down from the first mentioned and not out until next month sometime). It depends on what the XS ends up costing. Right now it's showing as $699 on Amazon, but have heard that it should drop a week or so after it comes out. I'm also going to be depending on Christmas sales.

Any suggestions? I'm still open. I really don't want to have to buy a new one in a couple years. (or next year.)

Well I'm chatty tonight. I'm off...

Update

I wish I could say there's good news, but it has been a roller coaster couple weeks. I don't know where to start so I guess I'll start with our first hCG test.

5/19--I went to the doctor at 8 a.m. for my blood test. My IVF clinic in Michigan was going to get the results then call us after noon. I had taken a half day off so I could be home in case it was bad news. I really didn't know what to think. I had been having definite symptoms, but I was taking progesterone and estrogen. Around 10 a.m., my nurse from my local clinic called. My test was positive! I was pregnant! I ran downstairs (Andy and I work for the same company) and ran into Andy's office. "You're going to be a daddy!" We went outside. We couldn't believe it...we were shocked! However, we decided not to say anything because we had another test on Wednesday. I still took the afternoon off. I went to the bookstore and bought "What to Expect When You're Expecting," which I had been waiting to do for 5 years.

5/21--Another 8 am test. This time the results call came right before lunch. Not great news...my hCG level was 70, (it was 53 on Monday). So my levels did not double. We were told not to worry because sometimes it takes longer to rise than 48 hours. I was fine at first, but went home for lunch and just broke down. I ended up calling in and not going back to work. I had to test again on Friday.

5/23--I took the day off. I was terrified. The call came at 12:30. My level was 68. I was going to lose the baby. I was devastated. I stopped the hormones. So Memorial Day weekend was not a joyful one.

5/27--I had another test to verify my hCG levels were still going down. Nope...it was 98. At this point I was 5 weeks so my numbers should have been much higher. An ectopic pregnancy was suspected.

5/29--Another test...204! Now it doubled! Deep in my heart I was hoping that my baby was still fighting, but my levels were way too low.

6/1--Our 6 year anniversary...it was pretty quiet. We went to dinner and I allowed myself a glass of wine with my meal.

6/2--Beginning of 6 weeks...still pregnant. We both went to my ultrasound. Since my levels were still rather low we really couldn't see anything, but a black looking cyst near the opening on my left fallopian tube was suspicious of ectopic. Sure enough my hCG levels continued to rise (599). However, the pregnancy was not going to develop. That afternoon I was given a shot of methotrexate to break up any embryonic tissue in my tubes.

Methotrexate is also used for chemotherapy, only I was given a much smaller dose. Nonetheless, I've been very sick.

So that's it. I need to have two more blood tests to verify my hormones are going back down. If not, I will have to have surgery. It's been the worst two weeks of my life...at least now I can finally move on.

We do have 5 embryos waiting for us though. We'll probably try again in August. It all depends when my body goes back to normal.

Awww....

Here they are!

Well our seven embryos remained strong and yesterday we transferred 2 beautiful embryos (see above). The remaining five embryos should be frozen. All but one was rated B+/A-. But right now we are praying for these two and hoping they find a nice cushy home for the next 9 months.

As for me, I'm still on bed rest, although today I can actually do more than get up and go to the bathroom.

So please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers!

7 is a lucky number, right?

It is for us because right now we have seven little embryos starting to grow! We won't know until tomorrow the quality of each, but this was great news this morning!!!

I haven't blogged in awhile so some people may be wondering "what happened? Weren't you on track in March?" Well, in March I began to show signs of overstimulating, which can be extremely dangerous. So my cycle was canceled. It was hard, but I was so sick.

Even this time it looked like I was going to overstimulate, but my follicles were growing much larger than last time. So they backed off on my medication, hoping my estrodiol levels would level out while the follicles continued to grow, but my levels dropped instead. They were about to cancel, but decided to give me another push of meds and see what happened. So not expecting more than 3 or 4 eggs, we proceeded. I was devastated, but prayed like crazy!

The day of retrieval, I had to take a vallium and it knocked me out. I really don't remember much. The first thing I asked when I woke up, was how many eggs? I thought Andy was joking when he said 13! I slept all yesterday, luckily or I would have been a nervous wreck.

This morning the nurse called with our fertility results and told us that seven eggs fertilized out of the 13 eggs. So of course, now we don't know the quality of the embryos yet...we'll find out tomorrow.

But it's been a week of ups and downs for us and it feels like the the journey on the long, winding road toward parenthood is finally coming to an end.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

We're on track!

Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound and everything is going very well! I will be starting my stimulation medications this weekend and I have a follicle check next Monday.

So what did you do this weekend? On Saturday we got dressed up and went to an open casting call for Public Enemies, the Michael Mann film about John Dillinger, which is going to be partially filmed in Oshkosh....only less than a mile from our house!!! Oh yeah...did I mention Johnny Depp and Christian Bale are starring in it? No? Um yeah, they are...

So we needed headshots...here's mine:
We had to dress up in "period" clothing so the casting people could picture how people would look in a 1930s piece. I really have no idea if I'll get called, but it was a fun experience...standing in line for 2 and a half hours then getting our pictures taken again! I'm a people watcher though so I loved seeing everyone dressed up! I think I look too "40s," but who knows?

On the brink of a dream...

I remember long ago, holding, feeding and loving my dolls, mimicking my mom as she cared for my brother and I. At that time I dreamed of what it would be like when I had children. What I never expected is that my dream would seem so out of reach.

In a week or so, we will be doing IVF. We are so excited, but so scared to get our hopes up at the same time. I've started the drug regimen that will prepare my body for the procedure. No, this isn't how I would prefer to conceive our children, but this is what we have to do.

It seems like the struggles of the last five years are coming to an end and that our grief may soon turn into joy. I've learned so much about myself and believe that I will be a better mother because of it.

So, if you think of it, say a little prayer or keep us in your thoughts over the next couple weeks. I really appreciate it!

Hi...is anyone out there?


I can't believe it's been close to six months since I've updated this thing...well I have to change that. So much has happened...so much about to happen. I promise to update soon but until then I'm going to leave you with this...



Can I tell you how excited I am for this CD to come out?

Chao for now!

Back again...

My first week of Weight Watchers came and went with a two pound drop. Not bad, but I really was expecting more. However the bachelorette party probably didn't help much...I'm still on track though and hoping for another loss this Tuesday.

It's really difficult because my hormones have been so out of control. First my face is broken out. I've never really had an acne problem before, but this is just out of control. I really don't know how to deal with it. Then I'm exhausted. Twice this week I came home at 5, fell asleep and woke up around 8. Then there's my stomach...just really unsettled. I've also had some cramps...nothing major. Oh and did I mention that I think I've gone crazy? Seriously, I'm on a roller coaster. So I'm assuming "Aunt Flo" is coming, but who knows...it's not like it's ever predictable.

I had my book club over this week to discuss "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" by Lisa See. I highly recommend this one. It's all about women and friendships and how the simplest things can be misunderstood. The book is set in China during the 19th century, when a woman's worth was determined by the size of her feet. The smaller they were showed her future in-laws her obedience to her mother and family. Really a beautiful story.

Anyway, keeping with the theme I prepared a somewhat Chinese meal of lettuce wraps. I also prepared a crab Rangoon dip. I'll have to share these recipes next time...they are really easy and very tasty! (However, not very Point conscious.)

Well that's all for now. Have a great weekend!