Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I'm in a rut...

Ugh!

I don't know if it's my birthday coming up (Sunday) or the fact that after 6 months out of work and I can't get an interview or my stupid knee...but I feel like shit. Of course, since I'm coming out of a depression my first thought was to banish it away, but hey at least I'm feeling something...even if it is like shit.

Creatively I'm in the biggest rut that I can remember. Nothing is coming to me. In all honestly I really think I'm the most creative when depressed. Ironic, isn't it? For someone who defines herself as a creative person, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like a clumsy child trying to cut a straight line for the first time.

Then I turn 29 on Sunday. Yes, I know that's not old. I've never been one to care about aging. It's just that my 20s are almost over and I still don't know what I want to do with my life...well I do, but it just isn't possible right now. There are no jobs out there for someone with my degree or talents. (not that it matters because my creativity's gone anyway). I would love to be a SAHM or a WAHM, but unless we're counting dogs...the person count for 18 and under in the ives household is 0.

Limbo..that's where I am...at a time where I should know or at least have an idea where I'm headed. At least I always thought I would have it figured out by now.

God my 20s are almost over...most of it was in a depressed haze. wow. Of course, I can't look back it's done. There were plenty of great moments to remember too.

I think I do this before my birthday every year..for the past couple anyway. Maybe it has something to do with the fact it's 2 a.m.

If you're still reading this...thanks for listening...I think I'll try going back to bed now...night.

5 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh, Mel. You are so on the right track. You are taking care of your needs right now... your mind & your body. Your future children will really appreciate a complete mom when they arrive. :) And hey, most of us in our 30s and up don't have it figured out yet either. ;)

digidiva-kathy said...

Just hugs, Melissa. I hope your 30's are unbelievably better than your 20's :) .

Lena Brandenburg said...

I hate ruts. :( I am sending lots of creative thoughts your way...let me know if it works ;) (((hugs)))

blessednature3@yahoo.com said...

Hi! Being 29 myself...boy do I understand those feelings. You are still creative. It's just resting up to get ready to flow out of you like Niagra Falls. Stephanie is right. Take care of you and you are taking care of your creativity. It is linked to your heart and spirit, not your depression. :o) Much love and prayers your way~Ali

blessednature3@yahoo.com said...

PS I don't know what to do with my life either. Well, like you I do...many ideas, but don't have the means by which to do it right now. Hang in there. We will figure out how to make our dreams come true...in the mean time, I'm right here anytime. God bless, Ali